


Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

by vikingeggs



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Amnesiac Eggsy, M/M, Multi, Mutual Pining, Pining Merlin, Psychiatrist Merlin, Slow Burn, Trans Character, Trans Eggsy Unwin, also smut as well, i promise merlin gets with them eventually, it's not EXACTLY like before i go to sleep, lepidopterist Harry, please handle with care, possible triggers in near future, this au is very loosely based on Before I Go to Sleep
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-03
Packaged: 2019-03-25 11:13:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13832973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vikingeggs/pseuds/vikingeggs
Summary: (A Merhartwin AUvery looselybased on the movieBefore I Go to Sleep)Video Entry #1Eggsy turns on the camera in a rush, turning the camera in his hand so the lens faced him. He then started speaking nervously, “My name is Gary ‘Eggsy’ Hart and I’m an amnesiac. Tonight as I sleep my mind will erase everythin’… everythin’ that I know today, everythin’ that I did today, and I will wake up tomorrow thinkin’ that I have my whole life ahead of me, and the truth is… The truth is half my life is over.” He takes a shaky breath, “You need to trust Doctor Merlin with as much as you possibly can. He’s the only one who can truly help you through this.”





	1. Epiphany

_As soon as Eggsy opens his eyes, he’s greeted by a blinding white light. Where is he? Is he dead? He certainly believes he is for a moment until he suddenly spots the sticky notes on the dresser, wardrobe, and bag… He pauses for a moment, realizing they had his name on all of them. Eggsy furrows his brow looks down slowly at an arm draped over him. He looks over his shoulder at the man resting behind him. He was handsome with a cleft chin and square jaw. His hair was a dark fluffy brown and he was obviously significantly older than him. He gingerly moves his arm off him and stood up as quietly and quickly as he could._

_He looks around for a moment in search of his clothes then picks them up quickly and rushes his way into the bedroom bath. Eggsy freezes at the sight of a wall covered in pictures of him and this man. There are more sticky notes that say “Harry” and “husband” on them. He becomes very confused at that moment then starts to throw his clothes on haphazardly, pausing to stare at himself in the mirror for a long period of time. No B cup breasts, but he didn’t seem to have a dick just yet when his eyes went below the waist. Eggsy grows pale and he swallows at the sight before fully pulling his shirt over him and he turns back to the door of the bathroom. He swings it open and then sees the man sitting on the edge of the bed, obviously waiting for him._

_“Where am I? Who’re you?” he asks in a rush, dazed and confused._

_“You're home, Eggsy… My name is Harry Hart. I’m your husband.” It seems as though he’s no stranger to this particular situation, because he says it as though it’s a natural and common thing to say._

_“No- no no, that’s impossible-”_

_“In April 2013 on the second of the month, we got married in the Ashmolean Museum.” he said softly, “That was five years ago.” Harry stands up and approaches Eggsy, who seems frightened and puzzled still. Harry cups his face with one of his hands and wipes away tears as they start to form in his husband’s eyes._

_Eggsy looks down at his hands and sees a golden wedding band on his finger. He quickly clasps his other hand over his mouth and stares at it for a long moment. Gaping at the sight. He collects himself after a moment and turns his head up to look at Harry as more tears began to roll down his cheeks._

_“Then-then what happened? Why can't I remember anythin’?”_

_“You had an accident- attacked, really… it hurt you really bad It damaged your memory very greatly.”_

_“Oh my god-” Eggsy puts his hands over his mouth and Harry pulls him into a comforting hug._

_“I love you, Eggsy.”_

This is what every morning was like for Eggsy Hart. It was a routine for him at this point. He would make a video diary, go to bed, and watch it the next day. His psychiatrist, Hamish Merlin, gave him the camera and was sure with this method Eggsy would have a breakthrough eventually, and hopefully he was right. He would only remember this when the doctor called him after Harry had left, but luckily there’s been no issues so far with that method.

Eggsy swallowed down his breakfast that morning with a pleased hum, turning his fork over to gaze at the syrup and butter soaked pancake. He seemed as though like he was examining it when his husband seemed to notice what he was doing.

“What on earth are you doing? I haven’t poisoned it.” He quirked his brow up curiously at him, lips twitching in amusement. This caused Eggsy to blush in embarrassment, stuffing the food into his face.

“Ah- sorry bruv. I jus’ never remembered havin’ pancakes this good.” He laughed. “Even with what little memories I do retain.” He then frowned and stared down at his plate, closing his eyes to think that over for a period of time, an expression of pain seeming to cross his soft features.

Harry, concerned, reaches over and quickly holds one of his hands with both of his, kissing Eggsy’s knuckles, “I know it’s hard, dear. It’s hard on both of us… But we’ll get through this, I promise.” he assured, a gentle smile coming across his face.

Eggsy doesn’t know what it is about this man, but he can’t help but smile himself. comforted by the kind expression. “Thank you, Harry.”

“Of course, Eggsy.” He reluctantly releases Eggsy’s hand as he stands up, “I’ll be a moment.”

Harry walked out of the room, giving Eggsy time to look around the dining area in a sort of intrigue until he returned with a photo album, placing it beside his breakfast on the table. “Our photo album.” Harry said softly as Eggsy slowly opened it and started thumbing through it, finding that each and every one of the pictures was of him, Harry, all together and separate.

“We met after you came home from a fight in the middle east, in a bit of a shady part of town at that. Your stepfather, a dead man now, mind you, had thrown you out onto the streets as soon as you arrived home. Wouldn’t even let your mother see you before he did. You were still wearing your military uniform, which was shocking when I came across you sitting on the curb in front of a bar. We hit it off after that, I invited you to come stay with me while you got back on your feet and you just never left.” He smiles and laughs, “What can I say? Once you have a bit of me, you can never go back…”

Eggsy laughs for a moment before Harry continues.

“Four months later, we got married. You insisted on wearing your old uniform, because it was the most masculine thing you owned and made you feel like a,and I quote, ‘real man’. This was despite me _insisting_ you already were a real man. My complaints about you wearing it for a solid hour before our wedding did not get you to change your mind either. You didn’t want a white wedding or anything, would have much preferred just getting it signed off at the registry office, but I insisted on making it as extravagant as possible. You were absolutely pissed until you came down that isle and held my hands. I’d never seen someone happier in my life.” Harry turns his eyes to look up at Eggsy, who stares at the photos for a moment before looking up at Harry.

“Is every day like this? Is every day the same?”

He pauses, smiling sadly at him with a very tiny nod, then looks down at his wristwatch, “Ah, I’m sorry, dear. I’m afraid I have to go to work.”

“What am I supposed to do while you’re gone?” Eggsy immediately inquired, shocked at the idea Harry was leaving him to his own devices on a brain that had half the information missing.

“Well, you normally figure something out… You’re an intelligent young man, even with the past 5 years missing from your memories. Just enjoy yourself- lounge around. There’s nobody around to prevent you from doing otherwise.”

Eggsy smiled. That was true.

“Alright. I’ll see you after work then?” The younger man asked hopefully.

Harry’s chuckled, “Of course you will. You always do.”

Eggsy’s eyes lit up and Harry leaned in to kiss him but Eggsy quickly pulled back in shock before he could.

“Ah- bloody hell, I’m sorry Eggsy…” He then bent over and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead before sighing, “I apologize. I often forget you’re uncomfortable with kisses from me, since you technically barely know me. I’ll see you when I get home tonight…” He assured, giving his husband’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He pauses before turning to leave and smiles at Eggsy once more, “Make sure to put on something comfortable tonight as well. I have a special date planned for the two of us tonight.” Harry then left, grabbing his briefcase before heading out the door.

Eggsy watched him go through the window with his plate in hand then turned his attention towards the living area, which was littered with colorful sticky notes left for him. He placed the pancakes back on the table and headed towards to couch and television. He squinted at a sticky note that said “Eggsy’s gaming systems” on the large cabinet where the television was mounted. Eggsy reluctantly opens the glass and mahogany doors of the cabinet and is greeted by multiple game consoles. Fucking Christ, he was spoiled.

An original black Xbox, an Xbox 360, a Wii, a PS3, one of those Nintendo 3DS XLs… Bloody hell, a classic NES system. There’s no way in hell he’s going to pass up the opportunity to play on that. He had a choice of _Super Mario Bros._ , _Donkey Kong_ , _Pac Man_ , and _the Legend of Zelda_.

Fuck it, he had all day. He’d start with his favorite Italian plumber and move on to each game throughout the time he had until Harry got home.

As Eggsy started playing though level 5, the house phone began ringing, which caused him to die in game. He turned his head quickly to where the ringing was coming from and stood up from the floor, walking towards the sound. Eggsy finds himself in an office that isn’t too far from the living area, and he reluctantly picks up the phone, bringing it to his ear. “Hello?”

“Eggsy. This is Dr. Merlin.” A Scottish brogue broke over the other end of the phone. There’s a long pause before he lets out a soft chuckle, “I know I don’t mean much to you now, but I need you to do something for me. We’ve been working on ways to jog your memory and get you better at remembering things- help overcome your amnesia.” he explained.

“Does my husband know about this?”

“Yes, but not about the camera.”

“Camera?”

“That’s the thing I need you to do for me. Now, go to your wardrobe. There’s a box at the bottom. Remember _your_ wardrobe. The box will be a soft baby blue hat box. It’s hidden at the bottom of the wardrobe in a drawer.”

Eggsy walked to the bedroom, phone still pressed to his ear as he opened up his wardrobe. “Can you see it?” Merlin asked.

“Nothin’ yet.” Eggsy murmured.

“Right hand wardrobe, closest to the bathroom.” Merlin directed.

He looked through it as thoroughly as he could then found the box. He opens the hat box and pulls out a camera.

“Have you found the camera, Eggsy?”

“... Yes…” He murmured.

“On the top right hand side of the camera there is a power button. I want you to switch the camera on. Now, I want you to hit the play button on the back of the camera.”

_Video Entry #1_

_Eggsy turns on the camera in a rush, turning the camera in his hand so the lens faced him. He then started speaking nervously, “My name is Gary ‘Eggsy’ Hart and I’m an amnesiac. Tonight as I sleep my mind will erase everythin’… everythin’ that I know today, everythin’ that I did today, and I will wake up tomorrow thinkin’ that I have my whole life ahead of me, and the truth is… The truth is half my life is over.” He takes a shaky breath, “You need to trust Doctor Merlin with as much as you possibly can. He’s the only one who can truly help you through this.”_

The entry ends and there’s a long silence before Dr. Merlin’s voice breaks it.

“Eggsy?”

“Ah- ah sorry. Um… Yes?”

“Please, make sure to make another entry at the end of the day, just as you did with the first entry. You’re to make one every night before you go to sleep, so, try and remember to do on your own. I won’t be able to call you again tonight.”

“Oh, alright. Um… Thank you, Dr. Merlin.”

“Of course Eggsy.” Dr. Merlin said before hanging up.

Eggsy placed the camera back as _exactly_ as he had it then went back to the television to continue playing _Super Mario Bros._ , where he likely has one of the most random and _painful_ existence shattering thoughts about the game after 2 more hours. About a bloody _videogame_.

Harry walks through the door at that moment, “I’m back, Eggsy.” He said, a cheery look in his eyes before he saw Eggsy, who looks visibly distressed about something.

“Is something wrong, Eggsy?” He asked, coming to his husband’s side with a worried expression, kneeling down next to him on the floor.

Eggsy looks at him, blue eyes glassy with tears and brow furrowed, “I-if they're the Mario brothers... d-does that mean Mario's surname is Mario? Is Mario’s full name fuckin’ _Mario Mario_?”

Harry wants to laugh at the ridiculous question but shakes his head slowly with a deep sigh, “Eggsy, it’s best not to dwell on those sort of things for very long.”

“Alright, Harry.” Eggsy said in a brittle tone.

Harry practically melts and scoops him up in his arms, holding him against his chest and rubbing his arm comfortingly. “I know things like this can get to you. They truly do… But I’m here for you, Eggsy. Even if you have no memory of me whatsoever. I only wish to make you happy, to make you comfortable. To please you an spoil you rotten.” He pressed a kiss to his temple and Eggsy seemed to relax, although now he’d become a bit bashful and embarrassed.

“I know it’s silly an’ all… I’m just… Everythin’ is so… I dunno, overwhelmin’ right now.”

Harry nodded in understanding- or at least an attempt to understand him. He draws in a deep breath and leaned down, placing one more kiss to his temple. Harry released Eggsy, with much reluctance, and stood up. He patted his head gingerly, “Well, are you ready to go out for our date, Eggsy?”

“Shit- are you sure I should, bruv? I mean, I-I haven’t…”

“Of course!” Harry smiled down at him, “Not the first time you and I have gone out on the town while you’re like this… Besides, it’s special this time.”

“I-” he paused, thought about it, then nodded, “Alright Harry. I’ll- I’ll put on something better.”

“Well, we aren’t going anywhere posh, dear. Just put on something comfortable. The weatherman said it would be, quite surprisingly, a warm night.”

Eggsy nodded and turned off his game, before Harry helped him to his feet then let him go to the bedroom on his own. Now he was alone he had some time to think, and look at how his top surgery had gone, seeing as he didn’t remember the procedure. Eggsy makes his way into the bedroom, taking off his shirt. Eggsy stares for a very long period of time in the bedroom mirror at himself. His right hand comes up and grazes over the scar under his left pectoral. He barely even noticed Harry enter the room as he does.

He comes up behind Eggsy and wraps his arms around him, his waist and presses his lips next to his ear, “As handsome as ever…” Harry whispers to him.

Eggsy flushed red and let his eyes drift to the floor before closing. He relaxed at the touch. Harry made him feel… safe? Yeah, safe. Even though he barely knew him at that point, he felt safe, comfortable, hell even pleased in a sort of way.

“I’m going to forget how nice it feels to have you hold me like this tomorrow… I would never be able to describe this in paper or words.”

“But you’ll get to experience it all over again for the first time.” Harry said reassuringly.

Eggsy couldn’t help himself as he started grinning and laughed. Harry tensed slightly.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Because this is real nice, Haz. Really, it is.” He opened his eyes and as Harry relaxed from his words. He looked back up at the mirror, right at Harry who was watching him in the reflection. Eggsy couldn’t help but smile at him weakly. This man was absolutely smitten with him, that was a given… but he would have to deal with Eggsy forgetting him for the rest of his days unless they managed to help him overcome his amnesia.

“Alright, you gonna let go of me now so I can change?”

“Of course, sorry.” Harry moved away from Eggsy then smiled at him, “I’ll be waiting in the living room for you”

Eggsy nodded at Harry and watches him leave for just a moment before he turns towards the wardrobe, hand still absently tracing the scars on his chest. He wanted to ask harry everything. Ask him how it had gone, ask him how well he’d done and recovered, ask him if every bit of his life with Eggsy was worth it, even if he had amnesia. He couldn’t imagine how hard it could possibly be for the older man.

He slips out of his pants and goes through his wardrobe, finding an old Adidas polo he probably bought sometime during his and Harry’s marriage. It had soft fabric, and was a little bit thicker in the fabric than the shirt he had been previously wearing. He pauses, taking a moment to think about it, before going ahead and slipping it on and doing the same with a pair of jeans, which felt just about half a size too big. He takes a little extra time to decide on whether he wants to wear a hat or not before deciding to wear one and grabbing a slate grey one from a shelf in the wardrobe. He then heads out to the living room where Harry is waiting, and almost immediately his husband fusses over him.

“Oh, for the love of god Eggsy. If you’re going to wear a hat, at least fix yourself so you look more decent.” He scolded in an almost playful way as he took Eggsy’s hat off his head and fixed his hair. He sighed then put it back on his head, _correctly_ this time, and held out his hand for Eggsy to take. “Now, shall we?”

“Well of course, _Mr. Hart_.”

Harry’s face turned a slightly darker shade than it was supposed to be and Eggsy grinned pridefully at his success in flustering him, even if it was only slightly.

Harry then reached down and picked up a picnic basket from the couch, “Well, Eggsy. Let’s get a move on then. Don’t want to miss the show. It will be getting dark soon.”

“What show?”

“There’s supposedly a large amount of butterflies in a wooded area not too far from us, where there’s a meadow right in the middle. We’ll be sitting there for our picnic.”

“Huh. Cool.” Eggsy said, interested but not wanting to show it as he followed Harry out the door, still grasping his hand.

*~*~*

As Harry places their blanket down in the grass, Eggsy gazes around at the stunning green meadow, fluttering with hundreds of wings of butterflies. A gentle, pleasant breeze blew past them, causing a peacock butterfly to stir from its resting place on a vibrant purple thistle. Eggsy watched as the butterfly then took to the air and drifted over closer to him, landing very close to the blanket that Harry had now finished laying out.

“Have a seat Eggsy. Make yourself-” Before Harry could get out another word, Eggsy sat down right next to Harry, as close as he could get, before letting himself lean into him. “-comfortable.” Harry let out a smile and reached in the basket, pulling out a pocket sketchbook and placing it in his own lap, before reaching back in to retrieve a fruit salad, placing it between the two of them and taking out some forks, “I was thinking whatever we didn’t eat, we could leave to the butterflies.”

“Oh, alright.” Eggsy nodded as Harry stuck his fork in the salad, retrieving a slice of an apple and feeding it to him. Eggsy chewed, swallowed, then laughed. Mimicking him but getting a grape instead. Harry happily took the fruit and then started laughing with his husband. The two of them, if anyone had only just looked over, would have thought they’d seen one of the happiest couples they’d ever. But nobody was there to confirm such, and Eggsy and Harry were far from the happiest. One forgot his husband everyday, and the other… Well, he had to deal with that every day, and it probably hurt him so very badly.

Eggsy then frowned and looked away, “I’m gonna forget all this tomorrow…” He said in a small voice, “I’m gonna forget how nice you’re bein’ to me an’ everythin’…”

“Oh, Eggsy.” Harry frowned and ran a free hand through Eggsy’s soft blond hair, kissing his forehead as tears started running down his face.

“Please don’t cry, Eggsy- it’s going to be alright! We can overcome this together- we can!” Harry started wiping his husband’s tears away frantically and tried his best to dry his face. When Eggsy finally calmed down enough to where the tears stopped coming, it was because a butterfly lighted down ever-so-delicately on top of Harry’s head. The same peacock butterfly from earlier. Eggsy stared up at him with big watery eyes. Harry smiled down at him comfortingly and Eggsy felt a blush rise on his face as he rubbed the rest of the tears from his eyes. Harry appeared so perfect in the lighting as well, because it shined on him as though it was a light in some sort of play.

“My god, I must’a married a bloody angel.”

Harry couldn’t help but start to smile. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, for starters there’s a butterfly on your head and it looks like someone put a spotlight from the fuckin’ heavens on you!”

“A butterfly?” Harry’s eyes lit up, curiosity seeming to rise in him. “What sort?”

“That doesn’t matter, Harry!” The noise and Eggsy’s gesturing at the butterfly made it flutter away, “What matters is that you’re nerdy, and fit, and real posh, and have a great personality, and are kind, and just- look so good right now! I want to know how the hell someone like me ever ended up with someone like you.”

“You lucked out, and the man you fancied felt the exact same way about you.” Harry replied, much more coolly. Eggsy’s eyes were deep pools of fascination, confusion, affection, and happiness, but also worry, fear. So much emotion laid in those eyes of his and Harry couldn’t stop himself when he started to lean down towards his husband. Eggsy didn’t move himself this time like he had early that morning, instead opting to simply close his eyes and allow it to happen. He didn’t regret a thing when Harry caught Eggsy’s lips with own, tilting off to the side slightly. Harry’s lips were soft and sweet with the fruit he’d eaten not too long ago. The scent of his cologne made Eggsy feel all fuzzy, especially with how close they were to each other as they both started itching their ways closer to one-another. Eggsy seemed timid and unsure with himself, while Harry’s movements were slow and careful, making sure with every movement that Eggsy wanted whatever he was doing.

Eggsy felt himself getting more confident, wrapping his arms around Harry, slowly trailing his hands up his back and pushing them into Harry’s dark curls. The two of them sat there like that, Harry holding him while they kissed before Eggsy pulled back. His breathing came a little more rapidly for a few moments before he looked away, “Ah- we should- we should probably eat.” He said, acting as though it hadn’t happened.

“Of course.” Harry smiled, knowing this was a good thing. “Would you like the rest of the salad?”

Eggsy had totally forgotten about the fruit salad, and when he looked down it was covered in a colorful array of the native butterflies. “I think we best leave it for those little beauties, yeah?”

Harry reached back in the basket and retrieved two sandwiches.

“Oh, this is my favorite!” he gasped as soon as he saw the bread.

“I know.”

Eggsy unwrapped the sandwich from the plastic wrap with a big grin and started to eat it, letting out a low moan of satisfaction, “ _Yes_ , Harry.” he breathed, taking another big bite and leaning into Harry, humming quietly. He barely realized how late it had been getting, when he suddenly saw a soft green light out of the corner of his eye as he took his hat off and reached up to put it on Harry.

He straightened up himself, turning his head and looking around the meadow as it started to light up with more tiny little green lights, blinking and floating lazily all around them. Eggsy turned his head and looked at Harry expectantly, but he was confused for a moment too before he saw one of the lights land on Eggsy’s leg.

“It’s a firefly!” He said, brows raised and his voice a low whisper, “They’ve never been seen anywhere in the UK before- just- just rumored!” Harry rushes to fumble for something inside the basket then draws out a jar full of cookies. He haphazardly dumps them in the picnic basket without a care in the world before catching the specimen on Eggsy’s leg in the jar with a swift hand.

Eggsy stared at him, blinking a couple times, and Harry stared right back. Eggsy’s face is blank and Harry seems to get a bit nervous until the younger man burst into a fit of laughter. Harry was shocked before he started laughing with him, watching him as he took the jar and put it on the ground. Eggsy grabbed Harry’s face and pulled him into a slow and deep kiss, his eyes shut. The energy of the mood changed from a jubilance to something more intimate. Harry’s hands find their way to Eggsy’s waist and Eggsy pushed himself up to him, tilting his head and bringing his arms around his neck. The kiss is slow and very touch of Harry’s is deliberate. Eggsy can’t keep himself from letting out a soft moan as one of Harry’s hands find his arse.

He pushes Harry onto his back on the ground, landing on top of him. The hat had fallen off Harry’s head and Eggsy breaks the kiss long enough to stare down at him. A memory of something like this sits in the back of his head, and Harry seems to know that.

“It’s my birthday.” Eggsy then whispered, “You brought me here for my birthday because we went to another meadow for my first birthday with you… Oh, Harry, fuck, I love you.” Eggsy went back in for a kiss when tears started to fill Harry’s eyes.

Eggsy would have to say something about this in the entry tonight. He _needed_ to. If he didn’t he would lose the wonderful memory he just got back and he can’t- he won’t let it get away from him. It’s too good to lose.


	2. Woebegone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video Entry #4  
> “I doin’ good. I’m doin’ so good. I remembered my doctor this time. He’s some real nice bloke. Hamish Merlin…. He and Harry know each other really well. They're good friends- been that way since long before he and I met.” There’s a long pause, “Harry looks at him the same way he looks at me. I dunno if that has to do with anythin’, but… I dunno. I dunno. Just ignore it, it’s nothin’. Harry loves me- I love him. He treats me well- hell, practically worships me.” Eggsy cracked a smile, “He’s a bloody angel, I tell ya…”

_Video Entry #2_

_Eggsy gives a bright smile to the camera with teary eyes and mussed up hair. “Harry-” He pauses, taking a deep breath before letting out a delighted giggle as he rubbed a dark red mark on his neck. “Harry, my husband, took me out for a picnic. It’s my birthday- I didn’t even know until… well, we kissed. We jus’ kissed and kissed- and I_ remembered _him. I remembered how lovin’ an-an-and kind he was to me. How important he made me feel. He’s such a bloody fuckin’ dork, and I love that! I love him.”His expression changed to something serious and he stared into the camera, “Don’t ever forget I love him, and that he loves me. He’s perfect- he’s the best thing in my life right now, he’s all I have.”_

Eggsy couldn't help but give a weak smile before looking at his finger. On it was a gold wedding band. His smile widened and he looked up at Merlin, who had arrived not too long before started watching the entries, “I still can't believe I'm married, even after he told me when we had woken up this morning.” he then turned his attention back to the camera.

_Video Entry #3_

_Eggsy ran his fingers through his hair and looked into the camera, “I remembered again today. I remembered somethin’ silly, but it was somethin’. It was Harry’s favorite song artist, but at least it was somethin’. Please-_ please _keep this up. I’m doing so well- I'm doin’ so well.” he took a deep breath, “I need to keep this up. I’m on a roll…”_

_Video Entry #4_

_“I doin’ good. I’m doin’ so good. I remembered my doctor this time. He’s some real nice bloke. Hamish Merlin…. He and Harry know each other really well. They're good friends- been that way since long before he and I met.” There’s a long pause, “Harry looks at him the same way he looks at me. I dunno if that has to do with anythin’, but… I dunno. I dunno. Just ignore it, it’s nothin’. Harry loves me- I love him. He treats me well- hell, practically worships me.” Eggsy cracked a smile, “He’s a bloody angel, I tell ya…”_

_Video Entry #5_

_Eggsy has the camera on but doesn't say anything. His head is in one of his hands as he rubs his temples. “Nearly kissed Dr. Merlin… I need to be more careful. He admitted to developin’ feelings for me but promised to do nothin’ ‘bout it. He wants to keep our relationship strictly professional.” Eggsy was blushing, “Oh, who am I kiddin’? I think he’s kinda cute. I probably thought so quite a bit in the past when I met up with him last as well… Maybe I should delete this one. This is embarassin’ as hell.”_

Eggsy glanced up at Dr. Merlin, who was unreadable at that moment, but if he didn't know any better he would have thought he saw a twinkle of hope in his eye. Eggsy decided that wasn't the case though, and continued to watch the camera.

_Video Entry #6_

_Eggsy drew in a deep breath, visibly drunk as he started to giggle. His words were slurred as he spoke, “Harry made m’ arse hurt reeeeal good… I wanted t’ get kinky ‘n shit. He was way nervous ‘bout it, but it was ooookaaaaay.” he wiped his lips and hummed, “I can still taste ‘im on m’ mouth… fuck, I wan’ do it again…” Eggsy's arm visibly reaches down as he turns off the camera_

Eggsy covered his mouth, during a bright shade of red at the moment he saw himself in the camera. He was _excruciatingly_ embarrassed with himself for that entry. If he didn't know any better, he would have immediately deleted it.

_Video Entry #7_

_Eggsy sighs, smiling at the camera. “I’m sorry. Most of my entries haven't been about memories, but I just… it's a diary, y'know.” Eggsy lets out a heavy sigh again and rubs his eyes tiredly,”Harry’s a nice man.” he thinks about that, “Real secretive though. Kinda awkward as well sometimes… I dunno how I feel about him right now. Maybe that’s how he’s always acted? Ugh. Whatever. I need to sleep, night…”_

_Video Entry #8_

_Eggsy was giggling hysterically, “I love him- I love him he’s so kind and thoughtful! I was upset so he made me the best pasta I've ever had to try and cheer me up- and it did! Oh, I'll be sure to thank him… if you know what I mean.” Eggsy winked at the camera then shut it off._

Eggsy then looked at  Dr. Merlin expectantly, blushing slightly.

“I can promise you two are a very happy couple.” Merlin then assured, smiling at the younger man before changing the subject, “Now, Harry told me I should bring out the photo albums, see if that helps you remember anything. Luckily, I managed to find both.” Dr. Merlin brought them both up and set them on the table in front of Eggsy. “One is of you and Harry and the other is of you and your friends.”

Eggsy nodded, going through them both absently with Merlin. He paused on a page, staring at it a moment longer than the last then continued on.

“Recognize anyone?”

“Hm… not really.” Eggsy murmured.

“Well, at least we tried…” Merlin pauses to look at the time, “Ah, bloody hell… I’m afraid that's all the time we have, Eggsy. Now remember- make an entry before bed alright? Don’t forget.”

“Of course. Er- thank you Dr. Merlin.”

“You're welcome, Eggsy. I’ll check in again tomorrow… take good care of yourself.”

Eggsy nods then watches Dr. Merlin leave in a sort of _awkward_ silence. He sits there at the table for a moment before sighing boredly and standing up. He looked into the living room from where he was before walking in and going through a cabinet that was labeled as his.

He owned an NES, and he was gonna play it so he started going through colorful cartridges for the console. To keep a long story short, it took him a solid 5 minutes to choose a game out of the very few choices he had, which ended up being Super Mario Bros..

Eggsy enjoyed himself a while, smiling the whole time, dying on multiple occasions and got extremely frustrated, before he suddenly- blanked.

A memory was resurfacing and...

_Eggsy turned his head to look at a young blond woman beside him, laughing all the while._

_“Eggsy that’s not fair! You’re totally cheating!”_

_“Am not! How the hell are you supposed to cheat in this 8-bit bullshit? There’s literally no way, Rox!”_

_“Says the little shit who can worm his way through any video game in a matter of minutes.”_

_“Hey, that’s just talent, it’s not the same as cheatin’.”_

_“Eggsy, if you’ve broken the game to the point where you can do whatever_ you _want and not die, that counts as cheating!”_

_“Roxy, for shame! Accusin’ me of that is unbelievable!” Eggsy said in fake-shock._

_Roxy shoves Eggsy, who laughs and falls back next to her on the floor._

_“You’re lucky you’re my best friend, otherwise I would literally deck you right now, Hart.” She told him._

_“Well, Miss. Morton, I could say the same for you.”_

Eggsy stares at the screen for a long moment before tossing the controller down and rushing to the kitchen where the photo albums still were. Eggsy flipped through them frantically then found a picture he’d stopped on earlier. He _knew_ her. He _remembered_ her. Roxanne Morton, his best mate. Another bit of his memory of her started to come back up…

_Eggsy sat in front of the toilet on the ground, vomiting when Roxy walked in._

_“Eggsy?” she asks in concern, coming in and kneeling down beside her friend, “Are you alright?”_

_He looks up at her with a smile and tears in his eyes. “Roxy… I'm pregnant.”_

Eggsy froze before going to the bedroom bath quickly, looking all over the wall. There were no pictures of a child, and the same with both albums when he ran back to look through them before going to the bedroom quickly to look in the mirror. He pulled his shirt off, staring at himself and posing a little to look all over his stomach. He reached his hands down, fingers running over the smooth, stretched out skin of his stomach.

_“What will we name him, dear?” Harry wraps his arms around Eggsy’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder as he runs his hands over his husband's stomach tenderly._

_“I think I like the name Jack.” he murmured. “Like Jack Bauer…”_

_“Eggsy, you absolute git.” Harry murmured affectionately._

Eggsy teared up as he spoke with the next few words, “But you’ll love us both regardless…”

He stared at himself in the mirror for a bit longer before rushing to the phone, holding back sobs as he called Harry, his actions frantic and careless as he dialed the number.

“We have a child.”

“Eggsy-”

“We have a child, don't we?”

“Eggsy please-”

“Don't we?”

There’s silence from Harry

“Jack- I remember we have a child, Harry. A little boy- where? Where is he?”

“Eggsy, please. This really isn't-

“Where the hell is Jack?”

“I’m coming home. We’ll talk about this when I get there, Eggsy.”

Harry then hung up, leaving Eggsy to think on it until he finally arrived. Eggsy stormed out into the pouring rain, shouting at him, “Where's our son?! Where’s my little boy?!” he screamed, tears running down his face along with the rain as Harry got out of his car.

Harry started walking towards the house, “Come inside-”

“No! Where is he? Where's my son?!”

“I can’t talk to you out here like this, please come inside-”

“No, I won't come inside until I know where my son is! Why are you hidin’ him from me?!”

“Eggsy please.” Harry tried to reach for him.

“No! Don't touch me! Tell me where my son is!”

There was a tight struggle of Harry trying to restrain him before he finally got his arms around the now sobbing Eggsy as he explained.

“He's dead, Eggsy.”

“No!” Eggsy broke down in Harry’s arms. “No- no!”

“We have a son but he’s dead, Eggsy.”

Eggsy grasped onto him tighter, tears streaking down his face. “No… no no- no!”

He stood out there in the rain with him for a moment, swaying back and forth with him.

Once inside, Harry started a fire and got Eggsy a towel, before pulling off his coat to his suit and grabbing himself one.

“How?” Eggsy whispered, staring at Harry who had a distressed, broken expression.

“Stillborn… technically. We went took him to the hospital after he was born, and when we got there they informed us that our midwife had made a mistake… our son died of suffocation from fluids in his throat… drowned in his own liquids as it turned out… he was barely alive when he came into the world…” Harry wiped his own tears away, seeming pained to talk about it. It hurt him _so much_ to think of his little boy. The child he and Eggsy never had the chance to raise together.

Eggsy watched him for a moment then reached over, gently holding Harry’s hand. Harry immediately burst into tears, “I’m so sorry I didn't tell you Eggsy, I was trying to protect you.”

“From what? For all you know this could’a helped me!” Eggsy was mad but didn't let go of Harry’s hand.

Harry grew quieter. “I’m so sorry.” he murmured, wiping his tears away with the towel. “I always have to be strong enough for the both of us, and in situations like these- I can’t do that! It's just so much to handle!”

A silence develops between the two. It’s a thick, heavy silence that weighs down on Eggsy’s chest like an elephant. He opens his mouth to speak, but no words escape his lips so he closes it again. It’s an unbearably painful silence that can’t truly be described.

Harry then stands up and walks out of the room, leaving Eggsy alone. Again, Eggsy opens his mouth to speak, to ask where his husband is going, but nothing comes once again and he’s left off in the distasteful silence of the living room, which was only interrupted by the gentle crackling of the fire beside him.

Harry returns to the doorway, looking out into the livingroom at him from where he stands in the kitchen. “Eggsy… Can you come in here?

Eggsy doesn’t consciously do it. He just feels himself stand up and walk over to Harry, looking up at him. “Yes, Harry?” The only reply he gets is a gesture at the kitchen table, which Eggsy turns his attention to and sits down at, rubbing his own cheek with one of his thumbs as Harry leaves once again before returning with a small lockbox and placing it on the table in front of him.

“I keep this in the garage for safety.” He said as he unlocked it, “There are some things that wouldn’t be good to stumble on when you’re by yourself, Eggsy. Some things better I explain to you.” He reluctantly reached over, holding out an ultrasound image of their child, “This is Jack when you were pregnant.”

Eggsy’s lip quivered when he took the picture from Harry, smiling weakly as tears welled up in his eyes, “That’s my baby.” He said softly as he looked up at Harry, who’s giving him the same pained smile. “Jack…” He smiled a little more and looked down at the picture as a tear came down his cheek. He ran his fingers over the image.

“You were about 6 months along then…”

“When did I have him?”

“The third of December, 2013.” Harry handed over a few more pictures from Eggsy’s pregnancy and he cooed at them as though he could still just barely remember the feeling of his baby.

Eggsy set the images down after a moment and Harry handed her the birth certificate the midwife had given them before their baby had died. Jackson Ben Hart.

“Jack.” Eggsy turned his head up and then folded it up with a nod and a hurt smile. He placed it on the table with his hands planted over it, leaving another tear to roll down his face as Harry reached over and put his hands on Eggsy’s. Eggsy looked up at Harry, who was struggling to keep it together. Eggsy looked up as he spoke again “ _Jackson Ben Hart…_ ”

Harry allowed Eggsy to continue going through the pictures before he sets them down on the table, getting all choked up. “I’m sorry- I’m sorry I can’t- I can’t do this-” Eggsy stood up, walking from the table as Harry started putting everything back in the lockbox. “I’m so sorry.”

Harry just let him leave the room, locking the box back up and leaving Eggsy to think about the situation on his own while he went and put it back. Eggsy frantically wiped his tears away as he sobbed in grief over his baby. He never had the chance to see his son grow up. To see him make it in the world. To see him enjoy life as it was.

Eggsy then felt arms wrap around his waist from behind and Harry pressed his face into the back of his neck. Harry’s warm breath tickled his ear and Eggsy felt himself begin to calm down. His breathing evened out and Eggsy relaxed in Harry’s hold.

“It’s alright Eggsy… I’m here for you. I’ve always been here for you, and I always will be here for you. Nothing will keep me from not being here for you. No matter what, I always will be.” He promised quietly, “Even with all the secrets and memories gone. With it all- I will _no matter what_.”

Eggsy turned his head to look at Harry, whose eyes were worried and grieving. Eggsy can vaguely remember a situation like this, or at least something similar. It hurt so much to see Harry feel this way. It hurt him so very badly.

“Please- if you truly love me Harry, no more of these secrets. None, no more. I want to know what is going on. I can’t handle secrets. It hurts more when you keep things like _this_ from me. You need to _tell me_.”

“I know. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry, Eggsy.”

Eggsy felt bad for him, and so he took pity on the older man. He turned his body around all the way and pressed a tender kiss to his lips. He could feel Harry’s grip on him loosen as he did and Eggsy placed his hands on his husband’s forearms. “It’s okay, Harry. Just don’t hide things from me anymore.”

“Of course.”

Eggsy pulled away from Harry and kissed him on the nose, “I’ll see you after you finish makin’ dinner… I just need some more time to think about this.”

Harry nodded absently as Eggsy moved away and walked out of the room. He went up the stairs and went to grab his camera to make an entry, locking himself in the bathroom and sitting on the floor in the dark. Eggsy turned the camera around and turned it on, recording himself.

_Video Entry #9_

“Jackson Ben Hart… The name of our stillborn son. He didn’t want to tell me, but… That’s because it hurts him. Harry’s been through all this before. His grief isn’t new, but it’s new for me. And it’ll be new tomorrow. And it’ll be new the next day, and it’ll be new the next day, and the next, and the next, and every day. Every day for the rest of my life. No, his grief isn’t new mine is, mine is. And it’ll be new tomorrow, and it’ll be new the next day, and it’ll be new the next day, and the next and the next, and every day after that…” Eggsy put his head in his knees as he shut off the camera and started sobbing.

*~*~*

“Did you know about, Jack?” Eggsy whispered, looking at Dr. Merlin’s face from where he sat in the car. “Did you?”

“Of course. Harry’s a good friend of mine. When you two lost Jack, I was one of the first people he told.” Merlin said, “And we’ve talked about him before.”

Eggsy turned his head down and closed his eyes as he reached over, holding Merlin’s hand for a sense of security, “Maybe I shouldn’t know about him.”

“No, Eggsy. You’re right about needing to know. This sort of thing is important to your recovery, Eggsy.” Merlin assured him, rubbing the top of his hand with his thumb comfortingly.

Eggsy grew quiet after that before turning his head up, looking at Dr. Merlin with watery eyes, “Can we just sit here for a while?” he asked, a tear rolling down his face.

Merlin nodded, thinking on it, “Of course.” He reached in the glove box, pulling out a handkerchief from his pocket and dabbing it at Eggsy’s tears delicately. He smiled at him before turning forward, leaving the soft fabric on his lap.

The silence that came up between Merlin and Eggsy was warm, comfortable. It made him feel better, knowing they could just sit like that together without a worry in the world- well, except for…

“Should I tell Harry?

Dr. Merlin looked at Eggsy.

“About us?”

The silence is much more awkward this time.

“About… Our treatment with your video diary?”

Eggsy reluctantly nodded, despite that not being what he meant, and Merlin thinks before shaking his head. Eggsy had meant about the repetitive feelings he kept developing towards Dr. Merlin, and Merlin’s secret infatuation with Eggsy.

“No. I think it’s just best if we just kept this between us.” His reply seemed to imply what Eggsy actually meant more than just the diary.

Eggsy nodded and looked down at the camera in his lap. “I just… Don’t understand why he’s so bloody secretive about this. It’d be better if he just told me everythin’.”

“I know.” Merlin reached over and rubbed Eggsy’s leg, “I know Eggsy.”

“You haven’t lied to me once yet, doctor.” He then added, a bit more miserably.

Dr. Merlin didn’t reply that time, staying silent, just letting him know he was there for the younger man with his presence.

*~*~*

“Do you think I would have been a good father?” Eggsy sat at the dinner table while he stared down at the pictures in front of him, gently grazing his fingers over the colorful images with a weak smile. Harry glanced back from where he stood at the counter, chopping up carrots for their beef stew.

“I think- no… I _know_ you would have been a brilliant father, Eggsy… I _know_ you still could be.” Harry slid the chopped carrots into the pot, “You loved Jack very much… Even if he did end up not spending very much time with us.”

Eggsy nodded at that and just thought about his little boy as he stared down at the ultrasound images. He smiled weakly at a memory that came up.

_Eggsy sat in the living room on the couch, a hand over his stomach. It wasn’t the same time period as the pregnancy of his little Jack, though. It was around the time he’d enrolled in the military, the time he would regularly attend training on all days except weekends. He was still 19, well before he’d started his transition to being male, and he was snuggled up to another man. It wasn’t Harry, but he was still pretty damn fit. Very posh looking fellow, too. Soft hair, pretty eyes. Looks that Eggsy was suddenly envious of._

_Eggsy smiled up at him, “Charlie, I have somethin’ t’ tell ya.”_

_“Yeah, babe? What’s that then?” Charlie carded his hand through Eggsy’s hair tenderly, humming._

_“I’m pregnant.” Eggsy smiled brightly at that and Charlie tensed. Eggsy’s smile faded and he sat up, “Charlie?”_

_“Eggsy. I’m too young to be a father. I can’t do this- especially since we aren’t married- and I’m not- I’m not really up for dedication like that. Eggsy, I’m sorry but I don’t want this baby.”_

The memory went away abruptly when Harry suddenly spoke directly to him.

“What? I- I’m sorry…”

“I was asking if you wanted a slice of garlic bread with your stew, love.”

“Oh- oh um. Yeah, ‘course. Thanks, Harry.” Eggsy carded his hand through his hair as Harry placed a bowl down in front of his husband. Wow, Eggsy must have spaced out for a while when that memory popped up.

There’s a silence.

“Hey, um… Harry?”

“Yes, Eggsy?”

“Did… Did I ever mention any ex-boyfriends when we got together at all?”

Harry thought about it. “I believe you mentioned one when you came to live with me for a while, which was before we got together. Why?”

“Nothin’... Just remembered some prick I dated.”

“Oh no…” Harry furrowed his brow, “It wouldn’t happen to be Charlie, would it?”

“Yeah! That’s the fucker’s name!”

“Eggsy, I promise… The two of you don’t have problems with one-another any longer. In fact, he played a significant role in helping with adjusting to your life with me before we were together.”

Eggsy turned his head up to look at Harry, slightly surprised.

“Actually, you two became good friends, but unfortunately he vanished around the same time you had your accident. I don’t think he could handle the thought of one of his good friends not being able to remember him.”

Eggsy’s frown became softer, more worried, “Really?”

“Yes… Actually, I may be able to contact him for you, if you’d like to see him again sometime in the near future… Or maybe let him know you remembered.”

Eggsy is silent for a long moment before nodding. “Yeah… I think I would appreciate that, Harry…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are ALWAYS appreciated <3
> 
> You can find me at https://dovecandies.deviantart.com !!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be updated as often as possible but do keep in mind I have a life of my own. Updates will come more frequently as time goes on, hopefully. Comments and Kudos are ALWAYS appreciated <3
> 
> You can find me at https://dovecandies.deviantart.com !!


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